You may think you know – and hopefully you do. But we need to educate ourselves because child sexual grooming is one of the most dangerous, yet often overlooked, forms of child abuse. Unlike other more immediate acts of harm, grooming happens over time where the groomer builds trust with a child (and possibly their family) in a deliberate process with the end goal of harming the child.
According to Dr. Elizabeth L. Jeglic (https://www.elizabethjeglic.com/), an expert in Sexual Violence Prevention, Sexual Grooming, Child Sexual Abuse and Sexual Assault, grooming is “the deceptive process in which a perpetrator seeks to facilitate sexual contact with a minor while simultaneously avoiding detection and disclosure.”
She and her team identified 5 different stages of grooming:
- Victim selection
- Gain access and isolate
- Build trust
- Desensitization to sexual content and physical contact
- Post-abuse maintenance
They also identified 42 different sexual grooming behaviors across all 5 of these stages but the most frequently reported behaviors include:
- Selecting a child who was compliant/trusting and had low self-esteem
- Arranging activities alone with the child
- Presenting themselves as nice/charming/likeable
- Showing the child large amounts of attention or affection
- Using seemingly innocent touch
Many perpetrators utilize a combination of these 42 different behaviors. The average case identified approximately 14 different behaviors used to get a child to be compliant.
What are some Red Flags?
So what are some RED FLAGS you as a parent or caregiver should look for?
- Unusual favoritism
- Overstepping physical or digital boundaries
- Sexualized jokes or conversation
- Watching a child undress
- Frequent secrets
- Isolation tactics
- Providing drugs or alcohol to adolescents (or other gifts)
This is absolutely diabolical behavior on the part of the perpetrator. Purposefully selecting a child victim that meets their “criteria” gives the vibe of someone standing in the shadows, watching children on the playground and deciding which one to choose. It sounds like something out of a terrifying novel or movie.
But actually, it’s not a stranger lurking in the shadows. In over 90% of cases, it is someone the child and family knows well. Somehow, we (society, family, etc.) are supposed to be able to spot it? Sounds like a job for the experts.
Nope – it’s everyone’s responsibility. It doesn’t take years of training and expertise to see the signs. The first step is simply a mindset change to realize that these grooming behaviors could be happening at any time to a child you know and love.
To make this mindset change, you have to ignore all the preconceived myths and perceptions you may have heard about child sexual abuse. Easy, right?
Myths are NOT Facts
Let’s try it. Here are some of the biggest myths about child sexual abuse (CSA). Ask yourself honestly if you have fallen for any of them.
MYTH: Most CSA is committed by strangers
Fact – Over 90% of abused children know their abuser or the abuser is known to their family
MYTH: Children lie about sexual abuse
Fact – False reports of CSA are extremely rare. It is, however, often delayed which can lead to others not believing the child
MYTH: Child sexual abuse only happens in “bad” families
Fact – CSA happens in all communities regardless of income, education or background
MYTH: Boys are rarely victims of sexual abuse
Fact – 1 in 13 boys (and 1 in 5 girls) experience CSA before age 18. Boys are simply less likely to disclose
MYTH: If the child didn’t fight back, it wasn’t abuse
Fact – fear or confusion or lack of resistance does NOT mean consent. Children cannot legally or developmentally consent (yes, even teenagers)
MYTH: Abusers are easy to spot
Fact – Most abusers appear as caring, friendly and trustworthy. This is by design – to encourage adults to ignore their instincts
MYTH: Talking to kids about sexual abuse will scare them
Fact – Age-appropriate conversations empower children to recognize unsafe situations and tell a trusted adult if something feels wrong. We find that it’s the parents, not the child, who are scared of these conversations.
The next step is to educate yourself and your child regarding these grooming behaviors. You are starting that process by reading this article and maybe checking out the links contained within. You can contact us to get more information or schedule a training.
Prevention IS they key
My point here is that we have to focus on prevention. Why? Because children experiencing sexual abuse carry a much greater risk for contact with healthcare facilities for physical illness, impairment in their psychological well-being, academic outcomes and interpersonal functioning. (https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11199461/) In other words – their personal futures are at stake and the cost to society is a heavy financial burden in the future.
One pathway to prevention is being able to identify potential abuse before it happens by learning how to recognize sexual grooming behaviors. We tend to rely on teachers, coaches, etc. for this – which is their responsibility too. However parents and caregivers are in a position to intervene before abuse occurs and should know how to recognize sexual grooming behaviors.
To be a beneficial and helpful adult, you have to get past those myths I referred to above. History tells us that we have placed the burden of protection on children themselves! Nope – again that’s the responsibility of adults. Another myth that we have focused on is “stranger danger”. More than 90% of children who are sexually abused know their abuser or their family knows them. So, yes we need to be wary of strangers, but the perpetrator is much more likely know to the victim and family.
So what can you do?
Here is one main thing a parent or caregiver can do: be cautious of potentially inappropriate adult-child interactions. Does the relationship make sense? An example is an athlete and coach relationship. Nothing wrong with that but – is the coach texting the athlete by themselves (not group texts and not including a parent/caregiver)? Is the coach asking for one-on-one coaching with the athlete where you or someone else is not able to observe them?
Has the coach provided gifts to the athlete that weren’t given to others on the team? Was it something the parent had previously denied to the child? Has the coach befriended (groomed) the family, potentially gaining more access to the child athlete in the process? This makes a disclosure by the child less likely to be believed.
Finally, after working with this coach for a time, has the child’s behavior changed? Are they more withdrawn, angrier, suddenly disliking the sport or some other behavior change? Watch and listen to your child over a period of time and keep your guard up!
Besides being cautious of inappropriate interactions, what else can you do? How about setting and communicating clear boundaries. Teach your child – very early on – that they have autonomy over their bodies and they get to consent or not to hugs, kisses, or touches. Then, make sure everyone knows those boundaries who has access to your child. This can put a potential perpetrator on notice that you are a parent who pays attention and they may be more likely steer clear of your child.
Boundaries extend to the digital world. Set clear boundaries and safety guidelines with phones, games and social media. You are the parent – you own the phone and pay for the plan (usually). You have a say in how it is used and have a right to check it periodically for their own safety.
Monitor relationships and interactions your child is having. Be curious but not accusatory to keep from causing the child to become defensive. Remember, adults should not want to be friends with children. Safe adults don’t ask children for directions or where someone lives in the neighborhood.
As stated earlier, educate yourself and ensure your child receives age-appropriate education as well. Safe vs. unsafe touches and behaviors is a great way to start with younger children, setting up “what if” scenarios for them to see in a safe way when someone crosses a line.
But the main and most effective way to keep your child safe is to maintain open communication with your child. Create an environment where questions and feelings are safe to share. Ask specific questions now and then such as “Did anyone make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe today?” or “Has anyone asked you to keep a secret from me?” Always explain that secrets are not safe and explain the difference between a secret and a surprise.
Praise your child for honesty in this open communication and avoid reacting with anger if they disclose something uncomfortable. Honestly, that’s the quickest way to shut down open communication and ensure they don’t come to you when something bad happens.
Here is a Check List to make things easier
Grooming Behavior Warning Signs
- Unusual Adult Behavior Around Your Child
- Gives your child gifts, money or special privileges
- Wants one-on-one time with your child (offers rides, invites them to private activities)
- Ignores or resists family rules about supervision, physical contact or digital boundaries
- Frequently compliments your child on their looks or maturity
- Shares inappropriate jokes or conversations (sexual, secretive, or adult topics)
- Encourages keeping secrets from parents or caregivers
- Becomes overly involved in your family or inserts themselves into personal matters
Concerning Signs In Your Child
- Suddenly has gifts, money or new items without explanation
- Talks about an adult as a ‘special friend’ or idolizes them
- Becomes secretive about time spent with someone (online or in person)
- Shows sudden mood changes, anxiety or withdrawal from the family
- Uses sexual language or behaviors that seem unusual or inappropriate for their age
Digital/Online Red Flags
- Someone sends private messages, photos or videos to your child
- Your child hides chat conversations or browser history
- An adult tries to move conversations to private platforms or video chat
What to do if you Notice Red Flags
- Document what you see (dates, times, behaviors)
- Talk to your child calmly: “Hey, I noticed this (name the behavior)….can you tell me more about it?”
- Reinforce: They won’t be in trouble for telling the truth (follow through – if they tell you the truth – do not punish them for it)
- Trust your instincts – if something feels wrong, take action
- Limit or stop contact immediately and inform authorities if needed.