I listen to a lot of podcasts – I mean a lot. While I listen to a wide variety of topics, many have to do with what I do for a living, meaning my work at Voices of Courage Child Advocacy Center.
In listening to a recent podcast, I was surprised to hear the host say that until she looked it up, she did not know that over 90% of children who are sexually abused are hurt by someone the child or family knows and trusts. She is in “the business” so to speak and she did not know this.
Of course, this made me realize that the information I take for granted as common knowledge is, in fact, NOT common knowledge.
So, let me reiterate my point. Over 90% of children experiencing child sexual abuse are being abused by someone they know or someone known to the family.
This is just one piece of information I want everyone to know. Why? Because knowledge is power and in this case – knowledge is also SAFETY for children. The more adults know about child sexual abuse, the safer children will be. We cannot put on blinders, pretending this does not happen.
In my county alone, there are approximately 18,450 children out of a total population of 82,950. We know that 1 in 10 children will be sexually abused by the time they turn 18. So, in my county, there are approximately 1,845 children experiencing child sexual abuse. Most do not disclose due to fear, shame or lack of knowledge that it is wrong.
We (society) don’t like to talk about child sexual abuse. It makes us uncomfortable. But if I have learned anything in my nearly 10 years in this arena it’s this – ignoring it only makes things worse for children. If you are worried about being uncomfortable, to be honest your priorities are misguided. Child safety comes before our discomfort.
Every time we turn our eyes away from what’s happening – an abuser gets more bold. They know we want to ignore it. They know we are more comfortable pretending it’s not happening. It’s part of their power.
So what can you do?
First, as a family, set boundaries for your children. Keep your eyes and mind open to the possibility it could happen to your child. That means if you or your child is uncomfortable with someone, you limit that person’s access to your child – even if it’s a family member.
Keep the lines of communication open with your child. Many parents believe their children are too young for “the talk”. But here’s the thing – you don’t have to have a sex talk with your three-year-old, but you should be doing the following with young children:
- Teach them the correct names for their body parts (a basic working vocabulary of body parts can begin very young)
- Teach them that their bodies are private – and that no one has the right to touch them where their bathing suit covers. And, no one has the right to ask them to touch someone else’s private parts or take pictures of their private parts.
- Teach them that they have the right to say no to ANYONE who wants to hug, kiss or hold them (If we don’t teach them this, they learn that the choice about who can touch their bodies is not theirs. This teaches consent.)
- Keep an eye out for physical and behavioral signs (some examples are changes in behavior, appetite disturbances, nightmares or disturbed sleep patterns, regression to more infantile behaviors, vaginal or rectal bleeding or pain, unusual knowledge or interest in sexual matters inappropriate for their age, fear of a specific person or place, sudden aggression or disruptive behavior)
- Listen to your child – practice talking and listening skills with them daily so they are very comfortable talking to you about anything. Of course we talk to our children daily, but conversation is different than just talking (put your shoes on, get in the car, etc. versus actual back and forth conversation).
- Explain the difference between a secret and a surprise, especially secrets about their bodies. Adults should not be keeping secrets with children so again – explain this and tell them we don’t keep secrets.
- Explain that if ANYONE (even mom or dad) ever touches them on the parts of their bodies covered by a bathing suit that they should tell you or someone they trust.
- Explain that sometimes doctors or you might have to apply medication or help keep them clean, and that this is different than an inappropriate or unsafe touch.
Hard conversations…
Let’s talk about a couple of other things that tend to be less common. You might have to explain to them that a body touch or ‘unsafe touch’ might not necessarily hurt. In fact it might tickle or even feel good. Try not to use “good touch and bad touch” because children often associate “bad touch” with something that hurts. Sexual abuse doesn’t always hurt and this can lead to confusion. We prefer the terms ‘safe and unsafe touches’.
Finally, make sure that children know that your rules and boundaries apply to people they don’t know and to people they do know – even another child.
This might seem like a lot, but it’s worth it to know you are doing all you can to keep your child safe.
Prevention is the key. Let’s change the narrative on child sexual abuse. Let’s make it a topic of SAFETY – not sex. It should be no different than teaching your child to safely cross the street. It is just as vital to their safety.